FEBRUARY 20, 2008

       You’ve heard of those things called “personal belongings”, yes? That would be items that personally belong to you, correct? When you travel, all bets are off. Everybody gets to see your personal stuff.

       Don’t pack any sexy lingerie or other discrete unmentionables because everything – and I mean everything – will be displayed for the world to see if the customs officials want to give you a closer, more intimate inspection.

       It happened to me upon return to our great country when I was one of the lucky few to be hauled over from the cattle-like lineup to get a personalized examination from an intimidating glove-wearing officer.

       “Put your bag on the counter,” he says, as though he is an Ultimate Fighting champ.

       I’m just coming back from vacation and have lots of wooden souvenirs. I packed and repacked my bag several times before leaving the resort just to ensure these delicate items would make the journey in my suitcase.

       Here goes the brute unzipping and forceably hand-sweeping through my bag. I look panicked with fear that my trinkets and mementos would be busted up. Of course it’s that look of nervousness that has the inspector wondering if I have something else to hide.

       There’s a picture frame in my suitcase. The generic picture is still in it. It happens to be an attractive woman and I’m asked, “Who’s that lady?” When put on the spot I simply answered, “I don’t know.” He fires back, “You have a picture of someone you don’t know?” “Um, it’s the one that came with the frame,” as he tosses aside the item and continues fishing in the hopes of landing a big score.

       Many of the things in my bag – including underwear, swimwear and toiletries – are publicly displayed as other passengers in for investigation walk by and see. There’s certainly nothing personal and no ability to hide anything at this point. After awhile I just think, “Ah, what the hell; we’re all in the same passport-carrying boat” and go along with it.

       Now that I think about it, I should have had some really interesting stories about the things I brought to really raise some eyebrows. What’s the worst that could happen? They send me back to the warm resort island I just came from?