JB-  There was a bit of a discrepancy in the number of reindeer that you have.  Apparently some people say eight, but nine if you include the red-nosed one.  What can you tell me about your fleet of animals?

Santa-  They work very hard but they also play hard.

JB-  What do they do the other nights of the year?

Santa-  There is lots of snow up at our house and you wouldn’t believe the great places you can hide for hide-and-seek.

JB-  Your reindeer are brown and the snow is white…

Santa-  I don’t see the world through THOSE colours.  We are all equal.

JB-  I just mean it would be easy to spot them in the snow, wouldn’t it?

Santa-  Well we’re not hunting them.

JB-  I guess those “reindeer games” aren’t as fun as I thought then.

Santa-  You’re going to get letters about that comment.

JB-  Who is the wildest reindeer?

Santa-  Blitzen.

JB-  Why?

Santa-  Blitzen is the instigator when it comes to reindeer trouble.

JB-  How so?

Santa-  He gets everyone riled up.  It is usually a pretty calm place but he likes to play pranks and get others in on it.

JB-  What has he done?

Santa-  He went and changed all of the calendars to December when it was only July one time.  So we all thought we had overslept and started rushing around while he just lay there doing nothing.  We were all freaking out and little Blitzen just laughed when he told us.

JB-  Did he get heck for that?

Santa-  You bet.  Because of that I cancelled his daily news program “Wolf Blitzen Reports” on RNN.

JB-  Did he learn his lesson?

Santa-  He has been pretty good ever since then.  He gets made fun of a little bit now but it’s all kidding and the Blitz-Man can take a joke.

JB-  Is it strange to have all these songs about you?

Santa-  It was at first.  It is flattering to know that people think so highly of you that they are going to write music about you.

JB-  Which do you like the best?

Santa-  “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

JB-  Why is that?

Santa-  Because it drives the wife mad!

JB-  (laughing)  What does she say about it?

Santa-  She goes back and says that it better not be true and it better just be a song and blah, blah, blah.

JB-  Is it based on any truth?

Santa-  Of course not.  Mrs. Claus is a wonderful woman and she is what keeps me in line, so I’ve gotta have her.  I think it was the Aspen family who spearheaded that smear campaign.  But I also really like that sexy version of “Santa Baby” your friend Darcy does!

JB-  That is a classic, yes.  I think it was your “hold” music when I was waiting to be connected on this call!

JB-  I know you visited SpeakFree when we were having the Great Weight Debate and you sent a submission under a fake name, so tell me what your eating habits are like.

Santa-  Earlier in the interview you called me fat and then you said I only work one day a year.  I don’t know if I should get into my habits here.

JB-  You are an inspiration to us all.  Please tell us.

Santa-  First, I’m all about the cookies.  You can’t go wrong with leaving the big guy cookies.  But I would recommend the low-fat eggnog.

JB-  Why low-fat?

Santa-  The regular kind is just too heavy and sometimes we’re flagged down to stop at truck weigh stations and that slows us down.

JB-  What else do you like?

Santa-  There is a common myth that reindeer like carrots.  In fact, it’s me who eats all of those when we stop at a house.

JB-  Why do you eat them all?

Santa-  Haven’t you read Canada’s Food Guide?  Vegetables are a very important food group that you must eat every day.  So despite being a heavy-set man, I do eat very healthy and hope that you all do the same.

JB-  Thanks very much for your time, Santa.  We certainly do appreciate you taking the time to SpeakFree with us today.  Good luck on Christmas Eve.

Santa-  Thanks, Jeremy.  But it doesn’t matter what you say now, I still know you’ve been a bad boy!  All the best in 2006.  And I will see you all later… but you won’t see me!  Merry Christmas!

JB-  There’s this big debate about calling it a “holiday tree” instead of a Christmas tree.  What do you think about the whole thing?

Santa-  That’s a tough one because I think we should all be tolerant of other religious beliefs.  There is still something called Chinese New Year and other holidays that certain groups recognize and we don’t have to change what we call them.

JB-  So do you think we just aren’t as open-minded anymore?

Santa-  I think the world is, but we are being told that we are all the same and we are all good people but yet many people are taught to be individuals and that we aren’t all the same.  The fact is that there are lots of different kinds of people in the world.  Symbolically, trees are Christmas trees.  Just like other forms of a December holiday have a proper name but for some reason we are allowed to call it that.  Christmas concerts in school used to have Christmas songs and convey the message of this particular holiday, but now I guess they are switching it up so there is more of a variety in what is performed by students.  I don’t think it’s necessarily a good or bad thing, just as long as you aren’t offending people.  In this case, I think no matter what you do at least one group will be offended.

JB-  Do you think this will forever change the holiday known as Christmas?

Santa-  I think people are still going to celebrate and call it whatever they want in their own home.  But in terms of what a society does, I think this is one thing people aren’t going to let go very easily.  The main point though is to believe in what you believe in and celebrate it when it’s time to celebrate.

JB-  I was going to say “Amen” to that but I don’t think I can!

JB-  Do celebrities write to Santa?

Santa-  I can’t really give specific details because that would violate our new privacy act but I can tell you that one woman who we’ll call “France Ramada” asked for a personality for Christmas.

JB-  Hmm… are you going to give her one?

Santa-  I think Paris knows that she can afford to buy one if she really wants one.  Or she can at least have a fiancée get her one.

JB-  I thought her name was France?

Santa-  Oh, yes… France, that’s it.

JB-  What happens if a celebrity was bad this year?

Santa-  I will put his or her name to guest star on The Simple Life when it returns to air.

JB-  That’s a little harsh isn’t it?

Santa-  Have you seen the show?

JB-  Well, I guess you have a point.