JB-  Does Santa really only work one day a year?

Santa-  Are you kidding me?  Do you think those toys build themselves?

JB-  Well, no.  But I thought that’s why you have elves.

Santa-  And a wife.  But they all work very hard every day of the year, with the exception of the two-week vacation that they get by law.

JB-  Yes, I know they work all year… but what about you?

Santa-  Of course, I… uh… well, yeah… I guess I really only do work one day a year.

JB-  Do the elves make all the toys or do you ever do any online shopping?

Santa-  I did my fair share of eBay’ing last year but I found that it’s cheaper to just pay elves to do it.

JB-  What do elves get paid anyway?

Santa-  Oh, I can’t get into that.  It’s all unionized and I would have to get their rep on the phone and it’s just a hassle.

JB-  What about the malls?  Don’t you make appearances there before Christmas?  Lots of people are wondering if it’s the “real” Santa Claus that they see in malls.  What’s the deal?  Who are those guys?

Santa-  I’m glad you asked me that.  Mrs. Claus is just working on a press release and then a statement to put on our Santa-Blog.  Here’s the story:  We hire temporary employees, just like many of the stores in those malls.  The thing people don’t realize is that at our booth those cameras that flash the picture are recording the visit the children have with Santa.  Those video streams, with audio that we can download onto iPods, get sent via satellite to our control centre and we make notes of each lap visit.  Those Santas have to go through extensive training and even have to be certified by before they can represent his highness in public.  They go to Santa school and also have to do CPR training.

JB-  Oh, so that they can operate all the toy trains they give out?

Santa-  Not CPR the railroad— the kind to save lives.

JB-  Why do they do that?

Santa-  Because when they hand out those candy canes, the kids don’t sign release forms and if they choke… bad things happen.  You know how many lawsuits we have pending in the United States right now?

JB-  I read in a newspaper that there are fewer and fewer kids coming to malls to have their picture taken.  Is that true?

Santa-  If you read it in that trashy newspaper the National Pole, it’s a bunch of hooey.  The owner, the Antler family, is always trying to screw with me.  They can’t accept the fact that for one night of the year I am the one who is in charge.

JB-  Is there a bitter feud going on?

Santa-  They tried to buy our paper the Claus Courier and we wouldn’t budge and they started to splash all these horrible graphics on their editorial pages that were really lame.

JB-  But I guess you know where they live.

Santa-  They are our neighbours, yeah.  Their reporters are always trying to scoop the best toys for the holiday season but we have good security—guard reindeer.

JB-  Is paparazzi a problem at the Claus Estate?

Santa-  It has been.  But I think they have all been distracted with all the celebrity scandals this year.

JB-  Animal rights activists have recently been e-mailing me saying not to interview you.  Do you know why they are saying that?

Santa-  I certainly don’t eat the animals that drive me around.  I obviously need them to get the job done.  They are very well taken care of and only work one night a year.  They are trained and rarely make messes as we are travelling.  The only exception was a few years ago over Karla Homolka’s place.

JB-  What happened?

Santa-  It was a long time since the crew had a bathroom break and Blitzer said that he was “full of shit” and Prancer told him so was the person inside the place.  The rest is history.

JB-  How many breaks do you get that night?

Santa-  It depends on how much eggnog we get.  That stuff goes right through me.

JB-  Do you put booze in it?

Santa-  No, I never drink and drive.

JB-  So you don’t fly for America West?

Santa-  No, but if you’re talking about eating animals and if it’s Pam Anderson who’s told you that stuff, she’s not one to talk because I’ve seen from Internet videos she’s had several animals in her mouth.

JB-  I guess people take whatever comes their way.  Let’s set the record straight though, right here on SpeakFree-  Do you abuse your animals?

Santa-  There has been the rumour for years about the whip and in all honesty, who doesn’t use one of those these days?  Have you surfed the Internet lately?  Have you subscribed to any of those feeds on the websites?

JB-  Well, no.

Santa-  Jeremy, think about who you’re lying to.

JB-  OK, one time.  But I was jewelry shopping and I misunderstood the “chains on babes” thing.

Santa-  And you still kept the membership for three months.

Santa-  Let me ask you a question now, if you don’t mind.

JB-  OK, shoot.

Santa-  I’m not in Toronto yet…

JB-  I mean “go on”.

Santa- What ever happened to those shortbread cookies that your mom made when you were younger that disappeared so quickly?  Do you think that no one noticed when lots of them were missing each day?

JB-  I grew up in a home with two brothers and it could very well have been them.

Santa-  But we all know those are your favourite.  What happened to them?

JB-  Sometimes when you go to the cupboard… or back of the closet where food is kept… you get a craving for something and you just have to eat it.  It’s like at the supermarket with impulse buys at the checkout.

Santa-  So are you admitting that you would eat the cookies that were hidden?

JB-  They were hidden?

Santa-  Do you know anybody that keeps food in a closet?

JB-  I can’t really say.  I’ve never really spent much time in the closet.