JB-  Thank you for speaking with me today, is it, Mr. Claus?

Santa-  No, no, Jeremy.  We’ve known each other long enough that you can just call me Santa.

JB-  We don’t really know each other, but I’ve known about you for a long time.  I remember idolizing you when I was a little kid.

Santa-  Now, Jeremy, there’s no need to lie.

JB-  What are you talking about?

Santa-  I remember showing up at the local community centre and you would run and hide under the table where your family was sitting and grab on to your mom’s leg.

JB-  I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.

Santa-  My elves told me they asked you to be the first to sit on my lap and instead of jumping at the chance you hopped under the table and wouldn’t come out until I left.  Do you remember now?

JB-  That could have been anyone.  Let’s move on.  This is the busiest time of the year for you, how do you handle the stress that comes along with the holiday season?

Santa-  I’m really into yoga.  People don’t realize that my sleigh has autopilot so it isn’t as tough to drive as you might think.  The reindeer are all pretty good and know the route we take so I have a lot of quiet time.  Although, I know what the weather has been like in Canada lately so I think I may not get as much peace as I usually get on the big night.

JB-  So what happens if there is a blizzard or something?  I’m sure you run into weather problems all the time.

Santa-  I have some good friends at The Weather Network who help me out.  I check the conditions on my Blackberry and depending on where the weather systems are, sometimes Mrs. Claus will reroute us from Home Base at the North Pole.  She reschedules stops and it automatically updates in my computer.

JB-  That sounds really convenient then.

Santa-  It can be, but that means less yoga time.

JB-  I would have expected that Mrs. Claus, um, does she have a first name?

Santa-  Yes.  But much like her age, she won’t tell me…

JB-  Of course.  I would expect she would be riding right up there with you.  I’m surprised that she stays back.

Santa-  The first few years she came along.  But she’s into that text messaging thing and it’s just not fun to do when you’re in the same vehicle with the other person.

JB-  It’s tough to keep track of people writing to me from around the world.  I know you get a lot more than I do.  Do you really read every letter that you are sent?

Santa-  My staff works very hard all year round to read and try to respond to every letter whether it comes by regular mail or if it is zipped up to me by e-mail.  A lot of the requests are the same.  Little Johnny in Florida wants a new president.  Little Jessica in Calgary wants to legally marry her girlfriend Sarah.  Little Debbie wants to make lower-fat cupcakes.

JB-  And how do you meet those requests.  I imagine that lots of them are beyond your control.  What do you write back to those people?

Santa-  Sometimes I don’t have to write back to them.  I just hope they watch the news and can see those political leaders making fools of themselves.

JB-  Are there elections in the North Pole?

Santa-  Sometimes.  It can be pretty damn cold there.  To warm up sometimes we do shots but after a few of those it’s hard to get one.

JB-  No, Santa.  Elections… like voting.

Santa-  There have been.  In the past we would settle things by playing “rock, paper, scissors”.

JB-  And that works?

Santa-  We thought it did.  But reindeer have hooves and the only one they can do is “rock” so there was never a winner.

JB-  Then what would happen?

Santa-  Mrs. Claus would settle it.  What she says - goes.

JB-  Oh, don’t tell me it’s one of those relationships.

Santa-  She likes to think it is.  But big daddy is always in control.  I can override her if I want to.  But if I do that I don’t get to eat as many of those Danish butter cookies that I like.

JB- You used to be a very fat guy.  In recent pictures that I’ve seen it looks as though you’ve lost weight.  What’s the secret?

Santa-  Having a good photographer.

JB-  So you haven’t lost weight?

Santa-  Well, Jeremy, I’ve seen pictures of you and you look like you have a fat face.  In actuality I know you are a scrawny little guy.  Obviously you have a bad photographer.

JB-  That was kind of harsh.

Santa-  You just called me a very fat guy.

JB-  Is there a better title?

Santa-  “Jolly” works for me.  And it’s always worked for the ladies...

JB-  Aww… Mrs. Claus likes it?

Santa-  Oh yeah, I guess her too.

JB- There are a lot of skeptics out there who don’t believe in this whole Santa thing.  What do you have to say to those people?

Santa-  I tell them to lighten up and then I make sure we kick over their Stephen Harper election signs when we’re out on Christmas Eve.

JB-  I’m guessing you’re not a fan?

Santa-  Whatever two reindeer want to do behind closed doors is up to them.  I have no right to be telling them what they can and can’t do.  As long as they’re happy and do the job I’m paying them for, I have no problem.

JB-  What if they aren’t doing the job?

Santa-  That’s when we visit the vet and take care of some chestnuts so they don’t get in the way anymore.  You have a dog, you know what it’s like. 

JB-  Two rabbits, Santa.  I have two rabbits!

Santa-  Even worse!