The Bullying Debate Part 1, Page 2

FEATURED STORY THIS WEEK:

A look at depression... from a teen's eyes

I got fired from a job because I was emotionally unstable and when I came home to tell my parents, they weren’t there to comfort me. Instead they told me that they knew my mouth would get me in trouble and made me feel terrible. I spent most of that afternoon in my bed shaking in fear. I had let my parents down. But I wondered why I should be worried about living up to my parent’s expectations when it was my life. I am making myself feel bad about not making them happy, and jeopardizing my mental health to fulfill their wishes. I am a bright kid, but somehow I feel like I’m being brainwashed without even knowing it.

It took me a while to find another job, but eventually I did. I am treated like an insignificant employee who is unappreciated and just there to make the boss money. Maybe I feel I am only worth that because the people who raised me put me through the same kinds of feelings. I dropped out of school to focus on working full time in a trade that I have really enjoyed. There is pressure from my parents to go back and finish school. They haven’t offered to help me get back into school or help me make any arrangements to do so, so I don’t feel that I should do it just because they want me to. Another bit of irony is that my dad didn’t even graduate junior high school. He doesn’t seem to care all that much, but it’s my mom who is making me feel like my life isn’t heading in the direction that SHE wants it to be.

I recently applied for different jobs in my chosen field and my mom had said to me to “just give up already. No one is going to hire you,” because I hadn’t finished school or had much work experience. When I finally would get a call back from a company I was quick to play her the message and look at her reaction when she hears that someone is interested in me. There is always skepticism from her in everything I do, so I don’t come to her in hopes of getting her approval or acceptance for what I do. Instead I run to her to prove her wrong because she doesn’t know everything, like she wants people to think

There is a condescending tone in almost every way she talks to me and I am just starting to ignore it. She came home from work the other day and the air conditioner had stopped running. She came to me and said “Why isn’t the air conditioner running?” as if I had shut it off or broken it or something. We have a dehumidifier in the basement and it had stopped running for a little while and she accused me of shutting it off, but seconds later it restarted on its own when she was still giving me crap. On a day off from work I decided that I wanted to lay around the house because I was tired, as I have a physically demanding job, but instead of peace and quiet I was yelled at for not washing two coffee mugs, a plate and a fork that were in the kitchen sink (that I didn’t use) from the day before.

After a few months of feeling much better I decided to slowly go off the meds (with consent from my doctor) to see if I could survive without them (and again, to prove my mom wrong that the drugs aren’t addicting and would ruin my life). I gradually lowered the dosage and felt fine. As the medication permanently left my body I felt weird for a little while with hormones way out of whack, but eventually it leveled off and I was actually feeling good. It took me a bit of time to readjust the way I think and the way I look at life, because I was starting to get a negative outlook on everything. Talking with the friends who stood by me through everything helped a lot. I continued to focus my attention on those people, the ones who make me feel even better about myself, instead of those who pick apart everything I do.

My parents bought a summer place where they go and spend their weekends in July and August. It is nice. They have been going there for the last two years and it leaves me the house to myself. I feel I am mature enough to survive on my own (because I’ve planned it out so many times in my head) and it is a good test for me to see how I really would do. I frequently go to the supermarket to pick up groceries that I pay for, I make myself food, I clean up after myself. Stuff like I would do if I were living on my own in an apartment. But the one habit my mom can’t kick is leaving me pages and pages of notes of what to do. She lists all the food that is in the fridge or cupboards and doesn’t expect me to find it on my own. Stuff is labeled in the fridge and I’ve told her not to do it because I’m not a moron and can find stuff for myself. For the most part they are gone Saturday and Sunday only. In that period of time not many people I know consume everything in the fridge and cupboards. Generally that stuff lasts you a long time. The first question out of her mouth when she comes in is “Didn’t you eat this weekend?” because there is still some of the food sitting there. It hasn’t gone bad, but the food hasn’t been eaten.

The reason I tell that story is because in the past that sort of thing would have really bothered me and probably made me sick to my stomach. But now because I look at life a different way I don’t even let stuff like that bother me.

As time has gone on I have learned to ignore my mom almost to the point of literally not even hearing her when she speaks to me. She can stand there and tell me a story and I’m looking around and not paying attention. I’m not sure if that’s a respectful thing to do to her but I know that it has made me feel better because I’m not listening to all the negative messages being thrown at me and I’m happy about making my life better for myself, not her.

Whether or not it was the medication or me just having to rethink the way I act and react to things, I can say that things have been much better for me mentally. As for the relationship with my parents, that is still kind of lacking. But I am becoming an independent person which is something I never thought I would be able to do when I would take the things they said to heart.

-with files from and edited by JB